Something for Nicotine

The past week, for myself, can be summed up in two words: Anger and Frustration.

You’re probably asking: “Why is that Brad? Your life doesn’t seem that bad at all.” This is true in some aspects of my life, indeed. However, in other, more meaningful life aspects, I’m at a loss. These feelings are also part of the withdraw process from nicotine currently governing my life. I’ve been clean from it for about 4 days, as of typing this post that is. I’ve been cigarette free for about 16 days now. The smokes were actually easy to drop and replace with nicotine gum lol. Now dropping the gum, cold turkey, is a different story. It’s pretty much been hell for me. I even took a day and a half off work to get over some of the withdrawals. Keep in mind, this is after 20 years of smoking, I’ve never made it this far. To add to the awesomeness of the achievement, I’m doing this 100% on my own and for myself only. That being said, I think the normal amount of frustration and anger I have inside of me is being amplified by the nicotine withdrawal effects I’m dealing with.

Currently, one thing that really makes me super angry, is when I see some douche-bag with a seemingly happy family unit. I’m sure you’re asking “What’s a douche-bag, Mr. Brad?” Well, my awesome reader. My definition of the common douche-bag is as follows. I see this as some guy I went to HS with or was part of the local (3-4 HS) “popular” crowd. You know those jerks, the same ones who were all about sports, drinking beer, and committing random acts of douche-bagery on the local D&D player population. They got all the hot girls in HS, college, post college, and finally in marriage; where they are currently spawning a new generation of Alpha Beta doucheoids. Please keep in mind that I’m aware that those hot girls I’m referring to are the same evil-sex-idols that ignored the existence of guys like myself in HS. I totally accept the fact now, just as I did then. So, this is not about my lack of access to those plastic whores in 1990. This just about me witnessing those shallow morons being happy and prosperous while I’m alone on a Friday night. I mean, hell… They got to have all that fun back then, why do they get the good stuff again? Here, at the start of middle age. Where the fuck is that Karmic pay off I kinda expected to happen by now, 20 years later.

I’m probably being too harsh on them, I know. When I’ve been the one responsible for most of the unhappiness in my life, not them. I have been handed the keys to the kingdom a few times over the years. Only to royally destroy everything because of some “idea” I get stuck in my head. Those douche-bags are lucky, I hope they appreciate it. The idea of luck is kinda stupid, when you think about it. Or since I’m not a lucky guy, I lack the ability to perceive it lol.

 

I rarely fall in to a situation with a woman and when I do it’s normally like a fireworks show. Fast, explosive, exciting, and over before you want it to be. Women in those stable douche-bag-normal-guy based relationships lack some of the excitement I provide (in many ways lol). They come to me, have their fun, act like they are getting divorced, and then run back home to the money and the normality. I accept my role, it’s cool I get it. I’ve just played that part too many times over the years. I would just like my turn, please.

I’m actually a very positive guy, most of the time. Hope has been my ally from a very early age. That’s why I love underdog films like ‘Rocky’, ‘Revenge of the Nerds’, ‘The Karate Kid’, ‘Gladiator’, and ‘The Goonies’. Having hope that cool things can happen and the underdog can win, is a good thing. On the other hand, depending on hope alone, can be a mistake. Here is an example. At a younger age, I used  my strong feeling of hope as a crutch. Thinking that this magical hope inside of me was a sign of good things to come. I somehow thought that my future would magically unfold before my eyes, all I had to do was hope. What I seemed to have been doing was ‘wishing’ and not ‘hoping’ lol. Extremely stupid, I know.


As I was writing this post, a song popped in my head. One by Rush, on their 1976 release ‘2112’. No, it’s not the Overture, I’m thinking of a more obscure track ‘Something for Nothing’. Peart’s words are powerful on so many levels here. In regards to my situation as the hope filled outsider looking at the rest of the world. Wondering when my sign will appear and show me the way to an open door. Only to realize that you can’t get something for nothing and that YOU are both the guide and the open door. This seems to be something I had forgotten a long time ago, I’m glad I’ve found it again. 😉


Well played, car, well played.

I have news for ya.

If you “get” this pic, I have news for ya. You’re probably just as nerdy as I am lol.

SWTOR Multi Monitor Support Thread

Link to my multimonitor support thread for SWTOR.

Alpha as…